Diva Rant: Colloidal Silver, Efficacy?

More Crone Wisdom-Colloidal Silver (A sliver star for healers)

I was chatting with my son who is a very traditional medical person in the military. He and I were arguing the merits and efficacy of Colloidal Silver. I’ve used it for years. I gargle with it, I drink it, I put cotton swabs up my nostrils and soak them. Nothing viral or bacterial can live in a pure silver environment. Doctors and Pharmaceutical companies don’t want us to know that. But years ago our old mountain Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat specialist recommended it for ear aches and other infections. If you ask your own doctor they will poo-poo it as did my son.

I said “you all are using silver bandages in hospitals now to prevent infection, right?” “Yes,” he replied but there is no efficacy to the colloidal silver. “Duh!!!!!!!, Don’t be a ninny. Silver environment is silver environment.” I needed it with that. That is why I prefer more holistic doctors to purely traditional. All I’m saying is, people who know it use it to hedge their bets.

I think I’ve mentioned this before. I had a friend in California who had a foot infection for 6 months. They kept loading her with one radical antibiotic after another. She had lupus and was in pain. I had a friend manufacture a colloidal silver machine for her (the stuff in the stores is useless if more than 20 day old and very expensive).  The machines can be made for about $ 10 plus 3 D cell batteries. With the machine she could maker hers fresh daily. I told her how to use it and after six months of pain it healed in 5 days. Her doctor said that it had nothing to do with it…Ha, Ha, Ha…All I’m saying… there is stuff out there they don’t want us to know about.

The crones are not doctors but wise old women who know and respect the wisdom passed along to us. We use the natural things Nature and the Universe have provided and we respect its efficacy even if no one else does. Research, learn, be your healthiest by loving yourself enough to learn and discern. Research it yourselves while you have time on your hands. We love you no matter what. Namaste, The Queen Cronista…

NOTE: Moderation in all things. The English Royals knew this in ancient times and overdid it (they were the only ones who could afford silver), their skin an irises turned blue…hence the term blue bloods. A couple of tablespoons a day for preventative is all that I take along with swabbing my nostrils. If I feel a sore throat I gargle and spit.  I normally tell you to check with your own doctor but s/he will poo-poo Crone Wisdom.  Research and decide for yourself.  

Diva Ranting: Crones Laugh at Coronus…

Crones Laugh at Coronus…
The Crones are waxing nostalgic today. As an elderly person in the USA who has lived the social distant lifestyle for 8 years, I have learned to enjoy the special time to connect with the Universe and all the joys of our modern techno lifestyles. If it is meant to be the Coronus will get me. If not there is no one but the plan of the Divine Universal Source that can get you or keep you.
Read some more. I’ve been Miss Marple-ing and listening to more meditation music. My dogs get an extra massage each day and love it! I’m business as usual. I haven’t hoarded one thing. I always keep an extra case of toilet paper due to my experience with the paper shortage of 1973 in Florida. As a southerner I always have dried beans, potatoes, cornmeal, and I’m still able to get greens and ham hock. Appalachians are very …“little house on the prairie” all the time. And the spoiled pussies who aren’t …Oh well.
I’m now learning the merits of Kudzu as a viable plant source. It is, not only medicinal, but edible. Every part but the vines. You can make baskets, paper, and soap as well as many other practical items from it. I’m threatening to hit the hilltops here and crochet myself a little house from it. LOL!!! It’s everywhere in the south and you can’t kill it. I just got a bottle of Kudzu Extract and tea for blood sugar, and other medicinal uses. Amazon has great Kudzu books with recipes.
I me, seriously, people, find ways. I’m 70 and I refuse to give up. I was MacGuiver before there was a MacGuiver (google him), one of my favorite old TV shows. Now is the time to meet him. Anyway, I’ll pontificate no more today. Buck it up walk it off … as I use to tell my children. Love and Survival Vibes to all. Namaste, The Queen Cronista


I live in the south where Kudzu is everywhere.  I’ve owned a Chinese book of Kudzu for 30 years and yet I’ve never explored the wonders is gives for food, weaving baskets, making soap, paper, tea,  many medicinal uses and soil erosion preventative. Yet, in this country is goes unused.  I, personally, want to start a Kudzu plantation for a product that virtually can’t be destroyed.  A Kudzu Boutique of extraordinary gifts and medicinal. I’m Koo-Koo for Kudzu.  This article shows the famous Sloan Kettering Cancer Center looking into it as well.  Heavy reading but worthwhile. Namaste, The Queen Cronista…


For Patients & Caregivers

How It Works

Although kudzu is used in traditional medicine, the evidence on whether it has benefit for any condition is unclear.

Kudzu is an herb used in Chinese medicine to treat alcoholism, heart disease, menopausal symptoms, diabetes, fever, the common cold, and neck or eye pain. It is sometimes used in combination with other herbs. Lab studies suggest that kudzu has anti-inflammatory and neuroprotective properties. Compounds called isoflavones are thought to be responsible for its potential effects.

Studies of kudzu in humans are limited and have mostly focused on whether it can reduce alcohol intake or menopausal symptoms. However, all of these studies enrolled small numbers of patients, and systematic reviews have determined that the evidence of benefit for any condition is unclear.

Because animal and human studies suggest some estrogenic effects, individuals with hormone-sensitive cancers and those taking tamoxifen should avoid kudzu.

Purported Uses

  • Menopausal symptoms
    Small clinical studies suggest that kudzu is a phytoestrogen that may help reduce menopausal symptoms, but a systematic review did not find benefit.
  • Alcohol abuse
    Kudzu may reduce alcohol intake and withdrawal, but these studies enrolled only a small number of patients, and a systematic review did not find benefit.
  • Diabetes
    Kudzu is used in traditional medicine to treat diabetes, but evidence is lacking.
  • Fever or common cold
    Kudzu is used in traditional medicine for these purposes, but human studies are lacking.
  • Neck or eye pain
    Kudzu is used in traditional medicine for these purposes. Although animal studies suggest kudzu may reduce inflammation and pain in combination with other herbs, human studies are lacking.

Do Not Take If

  • You have hypersensitivity to kudzu.
  • You have hormone-sensitive cancer: Kudzu has estrogenic activity.
  • You are taking tamoxifen: Isoflavones in kudzu may interfere with the effects of tamoxifen which is used for estrogen-dependent breast cancer.
  • You are taking methotrexate: In animal studies, taking kudzu at the same time reduced elimination of the drug methotrexate, causing increased levels of the drug. Clinical relevance has yet to be determined.
  • You are taking antidiabetic medication: Animal studies suggest a key component in kudzu may increase the activity of these medications. Clinical relevance has yet to be determined.

Side Effects

Short-term effects on blood and liver tests occurred in a small study of postmenopausal women. A few other small studies reported no significant side effects.

Case reports

Kidney problems: In a middle-aged woman who consumed kudzu root juice to promote health and well-being for 10 days, and without evidence of any other causes. Symptoms of appetite loss, nausea, vomiting, and upper abdomen discomfort improved within several days after juice discontinuation and treatment.

Liver injury: In a 55-year-old man previously in good health who was hospitalized with mild fever, brown urine, and elevated liver enzymes. Mistletoe and kudzu extracts which he took to promote general health were suspected, although it is uncertain whether either, both, or an interaction between the two caused these adverse effects.

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For Healthcare Professionals

Scientific Name

Pueraria mirifica, Pueraria thunbergiana, Pueraria lobata, Pueraria montana, Radix puerariae

Clinical Summary

Kudzu is a botanical used in traditional medicine to treat alcoholism, cardiovascular disease, menopausal symptoms, diabetes, fever, the common cold, and neck or eye pain. There are several species of kudzu and both the flowers and root extract are used for their medicinal properties. Isoflavones, the major components of kudzu, are thought to be responsible for its potential effects.

In vitro, kudzu has demonstrated antiproliferative (1), anti-inflammatory (3), and neuroprotective (16) (18) properties. In animal studies, feeding with kudzu root suppressed alcohol intake and withdrawal symptoms (4).

Studies of kudzu in humans are limited and have mostly focused on its effects on alcohol consumption or climacteric symptoms. In heavy drinkers, data suggest kudzu may be a useful adjunct to reduce alcohol intake (9) (19) (23). In moderate drinkers, it was shown to not disturb sleep wake/cycles, as can occur during withdrawal or with other medications that treat dependence (20). In another small study, a single dose of kudzu extract reduced alcohol consumption (25).

Other preliminary studies suggest kudzu may improve symptoms such as hot flushes and night sweats in perimenopausal women (5) (10) (21), and cognitive function in postmenopausal women (6). Although a topical P. mirifica gel improved vaginal symptoms in postmenopausal women, a conjugated estrogen cream was found to be more effective (26). A recent systematic review of P. mirifica regarding efficacy for menopausal symptoms is inconclusive (27). In addition, another systematic review determined that evidence on benefits for any condition with various species of kudzu are limited and unclear (28).

Because human and animal studies suggest some estrogenic effects (5) (10) (11), individuals with hormone-sensitive cancers and those taking tamoxifen should avoid kudzu.

Purported Uses

  • Alcoholism
  • Cold, fever
  • Diabetes
  • Pain
  • Menopause

Mechanism of Action

Anti-inflammatory properties are attributed to decreased prostaglandin E2 and tumor necrosis factor-alpha release, both of which are involved in inflammatory processes (3). The isoflavone tectorigenin demonstrated antiproliferative activity via cell differentiation and reduced expression of Bcl-2, an antiapoptotic protein (1). In animal studies, peurarin may alleviate chronic alcoholic liver injury via inhibition of endotoxin gut-leakage, activation of Kupffer cells, and expression of lipopolysaccharide receptors (22).

In humans, benefits from kudzu on hot flashes, night sweats, and cognitive function are also attributed to isoflavones (5) (6). Puerarin particularly has been credited with influencing alcohol consumption patterns, although the mechanism by which this might occur is unknown (19).


  • Hypersensitivity to kudzu (28)
  • Patients with estrogen receptor-positive (ER+) breast cancer (5) (10)

Adverse Reactions

In one small study of postmenopausal women, transient negative profiles including anemia and liver profiles (5). Other small studies reported no significant adverse effects (9) (19) (20) (21) (23).

Case reports

Acute interstitial nephritis: In a middle-aged woman who consumed kudzu root juice to promote health and well-being for 10 days, and without evidence of any other causes (29). Symptoms of appetite loss, nausea, vomiting, and epigastric discomfort, improved within several days after discontinuation and conservative treatment.

Liver injury: In a 55-year-old man previously in good health who was hospitalized with mild fever, brown urine, and elevated AST/ALT levels. These adverse effects were attributed to the ingestion of mistletoe and kudzu extracts which he took to promote general health, although it is uncertain whether either, both, or an interaction between the two caused these adverse effects (30).

Herb-Drug Interactions

  • Tamoxifen: Human and animal studies suggest that kudzu has some estrogenic activity (5) (10) (11). Therefore, it may antagonize the effects of tamoxifen, although clinical relevance has yet to be determined.
  • Methotrexate: In animal models, coadministration of a root decoction of kudzu reduced the elimination of methotrexate, resulting in increased methotrexate levels (17).
  • Antidiabetic drugs: Animal models suggest puerarin also has antihyperglycemic effects (14). Clinical relevance has yet to be determined.
  • Cytochrome P450 2D6: In vitro, puerarin inhibited activity of CYP2D6 and can alter the metabolism of drugs that are substrates of this enzyme (15). Clinical relevance has yet to be determined.
  • Cytochrome P450 1A2: In vitro, puerarin induced CYP1A2 and may affect the metabolism of some drugs that are substrates of this enzyme (15). Clinical relevance has yet to be determined.


  1. Lee KT, et al. Tectorigenin, an isoflavone of Pueraria thunbergiana Benth., induces differentiation and apoptosis in human promyelocytic leukemia HL-60 cells. Biol Pharm Bull 2001; 24(10):1117-1121.
  2. Boue SM, et al. Evaluation of the estrogenic effects of legume extracts containing phytoestrogens. J Agric Food Chem 2003; 51(8):2193-2199.
  3. Kim IT, et al. Anti-inflammatory and anti-nociceptive effects of the extract from Kalopanax pictusPueraria thunbergiana and Rhus verniciflua. J Ethnopharmacol 2004; 94(1):165-173.
  4. Benlhabib E, et al. Kudzu root extract suppresses voluntary alcohol intake and alcohol withdrawal symptoms in P rats receiving free access to water and alcohol. J Med Food 2004; 7(2):168-179.
  5. Lamlertkittikul S and Chandeying V. Efficacy and safety of Pueraria mirifica (Kwao Kruea Khao) for the treatment of vasomotor symptoms in perimenopausal women: Phase II Study. J Med Assoc Thai 2004; 87(1):33-40.
  6. Woo J, et al. Comparison of Pueraria lobata with hormone replacement therapy in treating the adverse health consequences of menopause. Menopause 2003; 10(4):352-361.
  7. Jang MH, et al. Protective effects of puerariaeflos against ethanol-induced apoptosis on human neuroblastoma cell line SK-N-MC. Jpn J Pharmacol 2001; 87(4):338-342.
  8. MICROMEDEX(R) Healthcare Series. 120. 2004. Thomson MICROMEDEX.
  9. Lukas SE, et al. An Extract of the Chinese Herbal Root Kudzu Reduces Alcohol Drinking by Heavy Drinkers in a Naturalistic Setting. Alcohol Clin Exp Res. 2005;29(5):756-62.
  10. Chandeying V, Sangthawan M. Efficacy comparison of Pueraria mirifica (PM) against conjugated equine estrogen (CEE) with/without medroxyprogesterone acetate (MPA) in the treatment of climacteric symptoms in perimenopausal women: phase III study. J Med Assoc Thai. 2007 Sep;90(9):1720-6.
  11. Cherdshewasart W, Sriwatcharakul S, Malaivijitnond S. Variance of estrogenic activity of the phytoestrogen-rich plant. Maturitas. 2008 Dec 20;61(4):350-7.
  12. Penetar DM, Teter CJ, Ma Z, et al. Pharmacokinetic profile of the isoflavone puerarin after acute and repeated administration of a novel kudzu extract to human volunteers. J Altern Complement Med. 2006 Jul-Aug;12(6):543-8.
  13. Santosh N, Mohan K, Royana S, Yamini TB. Hepatotoxicity of tubers of Indian Kudzu (Pueraria tuberosa) in rats. Food Chem Toxicol. 2010 Apr;48(4):1066-71.
  14. Hsu FL, Liu IM, Kuo DH, et al. Antihyperglycemic effect of puerarin in streptozotocin-induced diabetic rats. J Nat Prod. 2003 Jun;66(6):788-92.
  15. Zheng J, Chen B, Jiang B, et al. The effects of puerarin on CYP2D6 and CYP1A2 activities in vivo. Arch Pharm Res. 2010 Feb;33(2):243-6.
  16. Zhu G, Wang X, Chen Y, et al. Puerarin protects dopaminergic neurons against 6-hydroxydopamine neurotoxicity via inhibiting apoptosis and upregulating glial cell line-derived neurotrophic factor in a rat model of Parkinson’s disease. Planta Med. 2010 Nov;76(16):1820-6.
  17. Chiang HM, Fang SH, Wen KC, et al. Life-threatening interaction between the root extract of Pueraria lobata and methotrexate in rats. Toxicol Appl Pharmacol. 2005 Dec 15;209(3):263-8.
  18. Xing G, Dong M, Li X, et al. Neuroprotective effects of puerarin against beta-amyloid-induced neurotoxicity in PC12 cells via a PI3K-dependent signaling pathway. Brain Res Bull. 2011 May 30;85(3-4):212-8.
  19. Penetar DM, Toto LH, Farmer SL, et al. The isoflavone puerarin reduces alcohol intake in heavy drinkers: A pilot study. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2012 Nov 1;126(1-2):251-6.
  20. Bracken BK, Penetar DM, Maclean RR, Lukas SE. Kudzu root extract does not perturb the sleep/wake cycle of moderate drinkers. J Altern Complement Med. 2011 Oct;17(10):961-6.
  21. Virojchaiwong P, Suvithayasiri V, Itharat A. Comparison of Pueraria mirifica 25 and 50 mg for menopausal symptoms. Arch Gynecol Obstet. 2011 Aug;284(2):411-9.
  22. Peng J, Cui T, Huang F, et al. Puerarin Ameliorates Experimental Alcoholic Liver Injury by Inhibition of Endotoxin Gut-leakage, kupffer Cell Activation and Lipopolysaccharide Receptors Expression. J Pharmacol Exp Ther. 2013 Mar;344(3):646-54.
  23. Lukas SE, Penetar D, Su Z, et al. A standardized kudzu extract (NPI-031) reduces alcohol consumption in nontreatment-seeking male heavy drinkers. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2013 Mar;226(1):65-73.
  24. Jo SJ, Shin H, Paik SH, et al. Efficacy and Safety of Pueraria lobata Extract in Gray Hair Prevention: A Randomized, Double-Blind, Placebo-Controlled Study. Ann Dermatol. 2013 May;25(2):218-22.
  25. Penetar DM, Toto LH, Lee DY, et al. A single dose of kudzu extract reduces alcohol consumption in a binge drinking paradigm. Drug Alcohol Depend. Aug 1 2015;153:194-200.
  26. Suwanvesh N, Manonai J, Sophonsritsuk A, et al. Comparison of Pueraria mirifica gel and conjugated equine estrogen cream effects on vaginal health in postmenopausal women. Menopause. Feb 2017;24(2):210-215.
  27. Kongkaew C, Scholfield NC, Dhippayom T, et al. Efficacy and safety of Pueraria candollei var. mirifica (Airy Shaw & Suvat.) Niyomdham for menopausal women: A systematic review of clinical trials and the way forward. J Ethnopharmacol. Apr 24 2018;216:162-174.
  28. Ulbricht C, Costa D, Dam C, et al. An evidence-based systematic review of kudzu (Pueraria lobata) by the Natural Standard Research Collaboration. J Diet Suppl. Mar 2015;12(1):36-104.
  29. Jung JM, Kwon SH, Noh H, et al. Acute interstitial nephritis following kudzu root juice ingestion. Clin Nephrol. Oct 2013;80(4):298-300.
  30. Kim HJ, Kim H, Ahn JH, et al. Liver injury induced by herbal extracts containing mistletoe and kudzu. J Altern Complement Med. Mar 2015;21(3):180-185.

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Email your questions and comments to aboutherbs@mskcc.org.

Last Updated

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Diva Chilling:2020 Mercury Retrograde…

2020 Mercury Retrograde
A good friend of mine and I have an ongoing laugh about Mercury Retrograde. I am a total believer; he a skeptic of all things woo-woo. Years ago me and my, then skeptic mind, ran a huge training facility in New Jersey. We had a little plant lady who cared for our hundreds of live plants on the premises, was a total woo-woo nut. One day she told us if we were having a class next week we needed to get the manuals run and schedules finished before Mercury Retrograde. Since I am the Queen of Inqiry I asked what that meant. Here response went something like this…. A time where it is traditionally associated with confusions, delay, and frustration. Think email blunders and frazzled travel plans huge computer and communication issues. However, this is an excellent time to reflect on the past. I smiled and went my merry way. Later I was having coffee at the Center with some world war I pilots and mentioned the astronomical event. They agreed that they never flew a plane in Retrograde Mercury, as they referred to it, because their analogue flight panels went Fakakta. They swore that air to ground control was useless and orders often went the way of the fairies. I was stunned. One of the scientists minds on my staff clocked it for the next 2 cycles. She politely informed me that her data collected was not just woo-woo, but fact about the astronomical cycle, and she began to warn us of the upcoming event a month in advance. Namaste the Queen Cronista
What is “mercury retrograde”?
Due to the way our planet’s orbit interacts with the orbits of the other planets, they might sometimes appear to be traveling backward through the night sky with respect to the zodiac. This is, in fact, an illusion, which we call apparent retrograde motion
Three times a year, it appears as if mercury is traveling backwards. We refer to these periods as times when mercury is in retrograde motion, or simply “mercury retrograde.” These times in particular were traditionally associated with confusions, delay, and frustration. Think email blunders and frazzled travel plans.
However, this is an excellent time to reflect on the past. It’s said that intuition is high during these periods, and coincidences can be extraordinary.
When is mercury in retrograde in 2020?
In 2020, mercury will be in apparent retrograde motion during the following ranges of dates:
  • February 17 to March 10
  • June 18 to July 12
  • October 14 to November 3
What to do when mercury is retrograde
The planet mercury rules communication, travel, contracts, automobiles, and such.
So, when mercury is retrograde, remain flexible, allow extra time for travel, and avoid signing contracts. Double check your email responses, check in with reservations before you take that trip. 
Review projects and plans at these times, but wait until mercury is direct again to make any final decisions. You can’t stop your life, but plan ahead, have back-up plans, and be prepared for angrier people and miscommunication. 
Some people blame mercury retrograde for “bad” things that happen in their lives. Instead, this is a good time to sit back and review where you put your energy in your life. For example, if family and faith are important to you, are you putting your energies there or just overextended in other areas?
Take a moment to reflect. Mercury retrograde can be an excellent time to take a step back and reanalyze who you are and what you are doing—but do refrain from making any drastic changes until after retrograde has ended.
Mercury and you
The type of influence you feel depends on which of the 12 zodiac signs earth is in when mercury goes retrograde.
Learn more about zodiac sign profiles in general and check out our monthly horoscopes. Make sure that your gardening does not go awry when mercury is in retrograde by reading your zodiac profile for gardening.
The old farmer’s almanac

Diva Tasting: Country Cornbread…

As you probably noticed we serve cornbread with everything with cornbread here in the South.  Most Southern ladies use their cast iron skillets to make it a real treat.  I use my 10 inch skillet almost always except for muffins. We often have it for dessert with country butter and maple syrup or honey.  Yup!!! Give it a try.

Country Cornbread
1/2 Cup Butter
2 Eggs
1 Cup Buttermilk OR Sour Cream
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 1/2 Cups Cornmeal White Corn Meal
1/2 Cup All-Purpose Flour
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease an 8 inch square pan.
  2. Melt butter in large skillet. Remove from heat. Quickly add eggs and beat until well blended. Combine buttermilk or sour cream with baking soda and stir into mixture in pan. Stir in cornmeal, flour, and salt until well blended and few lumps remain. Pour batter into the prepared pan.
  3. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 to 40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Diva Musing: When I Am Gone…

We all have these days when we think no one else in the world can relate to what we are going through. One of my blogs I follow had this to say today. While I am older and more honed in the river of life I can still feel his pain. Here is a day to offer good vibes to someone in need.

When I am Gone

It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.” ― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

I’m some eleven months through my 29th year on this Earth.

I feel fine. I workout every day. I drink plenty of water. I try to get my eight hours of sleep. I try to eat healthy. I take some supplements, multivitamins and stuff. But I am feeling a bit older than I did when I first started this blog. I feel tired after less hours of writing than I used to.

It’s not being dead, but getting closer to death that scares us, right?

I am also a bit heartbroken, as artists are supposed to be from time to time.

It’s been years since I found my ideal reader. That’s my definition of a soulmate, and the closest thing to falling in love with another human being. Someone who understands my words, who wants to read them, who underlines them in the books I give her. Someone who encourages me to reply less to e-mails, and to write more fiction. Someone who reminds me I was, am, and always will be a writer.

I have lost that person. Maybe irredeemably. I don’t know. It feels like that. Like the kind of goodbyes that never feel like goodbyes until you are sitting all by yourself at your desk and you try to write and no words come out. And you want to tell them that, and you can’t.

It’s not distance that breaks people’s hearts. No. She lives rather close. Distance is not the issue. Misunderstanding is. When you try to tell someone how they make you feel, and all they hear are words.

Something like that.

This means that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Right now, I feel like there’s a part of me missing. A few days ago, it was even worse. It felt like dying and being forced to keep on living.

And, yes, I recover fast from heartbreaks. I have had quite a few experiences. Soulmates never die, but they leave, find some other soulmate, or just turn out to be someone different than who I thought them to be.

All this made me think of death. In the sense of running out of time.

Do you ever feel like that? Like running out of time? Do you ever fear when that moment will come? The bitter end? Its unpredictability?

I guess I am just tired, and I want to write my feelings down. Quite selfish of me. But I am… tired. Trying to live a life you’re proud of is the most exhausting thing one can do. Trying to be good, to be competent, to love, to…

In moments of heartbreak we wonder if we’ll ever get the ending we want. If we’ll ever be happy. Loved. Fulfilled. If we’ll ever find someone who genuinely appreciates our presence, who loathes our absence, who supports our dreams, who is willing to fight for us day in and day out.

Someone to miss us when we’re gone.

Whenever you lose someone you feel you could spend a lifetime with, it feels like… it feels like death, actually. It feels like the life you live is this strange terror. Part comedy, part tragedy. One eye laughs, the other cries.

I reckon that this line of thinking is not in tune with the realities of the world, but artists like to dream a lot. We’re idealists.

In an ideal world I’d have my ideal reader, and we’d have fun editing stories, and I’d tell her all my ideas, and I could decide on which one to work by the way her face would light up. Something like that.

Like I said, I am not feeling like myself.

For this, I apologize.