Diva Musing: Diapers in the Board Room..

I’ve been posting a lot on funny stories from my corporate life….at least funny to me! This one almost got me caught!  I use to work as a home office executive for a fortune 100 company. One year the advertising agency we paid millions came up with another “corporate puke phrase” we had to preach and support.   Let’s call our company ABC.  The term was ” ABC stops leakage in 93″! That was the year many fortune 500 companies were using the same mantra, go figure.  

So in my most respectively irreverent way I played a trick at the annual board of directors meeting.  I got giant plastic eggs, filled them with chocolate candy, put them in preemie disposable diapers, and placed the label on each butt of each diaper  that read    ” ABC stops leakage in 93″!  I then placed one at each seat in the board room before the meeting began.  I figured I’d catch hell, because I knew everyone would guess what crazy person had the nerve to do that.

I was surprised to find they were a hit, and one was sent to the head of our 200 subsidiaries, one of the most politically important executives in the country at the time. I never wanted my name in front of his face, Whoops, too late. Thankfully, he liked it a lot and I got a great bonus at the end of the year. Come to find out he liked mavericks who weren’t afraid to speak up or poke a little fun in an attempt to get results.  

My point, again, find creative ways to get a point across, without having to show everyone you have balls bigger than church bells.  Laughter trumps balls every time. Again use discernment, know your audience and above all be your wonderful self.

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Diva Rambling: The Corporate Easter Egg Hunt…

The Corporate Easter Egg Hunt

Many years ago I was running the largest training department in the country. The management couldn’t understand why everyone loved to spend a week at the home-office training department, in the winter, in New York.
We trained all 5000 employees in America and many from our global offices around the world.
It was my belief that if we wanted people to buy into the training we had to make it fun. I always tried to do that. Learning experiences included role play, dungeon and dragon tasks, scavenger hunts and many other creative experiential learning tools.

We also like to make it fun for the people stuck at home office year round. One spring I bought 50 dozen plastic Easter eggs. The staff and I would sit and fill them with candy and treats during our lunch hours for about two months. In many of the eggs we placed prize tickets telling the finder that they could come to the training center and claim a prize. We had the prizes numbered so when they came they received a gift.

At that time I reported to the company CEO. He came in the morning we hid the eggs and called me to his office. He said I drove into my executive parking space this morning and observed half of the people at home-office out pecking in the lawn like chickens. I even saw a couple fighting for the plastic eggs they picked up. My first thought was it could only be the Queen Of The Cosmos that orchestrated this party. Did I get that right? “Yes, Sir, I replied “. He then stated that I got away with more in corporate America than he’d ever seen anyone get away with. But, he liked it and told me to keep up the good work.

Again, my point is, if you get the urge to do something that’s a specialty of yours; do it. You must have respectful irreverence at all times. You must know your audience and have good instincts. You must especially know your boss. Take a chance! Make peoples days a little brighter. Sometimes the payback is more wonderful than you can imagine.

More about pampers in the board room later… Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Musing: Say What’s On Your Mind…

Say What’s On Your Mind By The Queen of the Cosmos..

For the last 25 years I have been coaching corporate executives and helping them troubleshoot problem departments. Back in the day I worked for the fortune 500 companies. My job interviews were easy because executives that I knew went to new companies and tried to bring me with them. I, however, did not escape the human resource task of interviewing with several people. What I found was that it was always important to say what was on my mind. That way if they hired me I knew they were people I could work for. If I fed them the usual corporate “puke phrases” then I knew that neither of us had an understanding of the other.

Some of them would ask odd questions. For example …what do you feel is your greatest achievement. I would always answer, my children. I’ve raised two good citizens. I have a killer in a comic. Then I’d watch their faces. My daughter is a famous TV show host and my son has served his country in the military for 20 years.
Another question that was sometime asked was…” what is most important to you”. My response to that was always my integrity. And I would tell them if you asked me to do anything that is against my personal integrity I would have to quit. So just don’t hire me in the first place. I would end that by saying that my father is the most respectable man I’ve ever known. I would never do anything to tarnish my upbringing and disappoint him.
Once I was asked…”what I pretend.” I laughed and said not a lot. …one thing I do not have to pretend is that I am Queen. That always got an eyebrow raised.

My interviews with presidents and CEO’s of these companies usually lasted an hour or two. I would find out later that they always told human resources that they hired me within the first three minutes but just stayed and wanted to have fun with my craziness.
I was told by at least three bosses that they didn’t hire me just because of my experience, they hired me because of my crazy sense of humor. They told me they hired me as entertainment!
I went to an executive dinner once and had to get up and give a speech. My boss got up after me and said he didn’t feel it was fair that he should have to get up and speak. He said it was like coming on after the most popular show on television. Which, at that time, I think, was “FRIENDS”.


Another time I had to speak before a large group of trial lawyers and presiding judges in Southern California. The keynote speaker, a prominent judge, had to get up after me. He told the audience it wasn’t fair that he had to speak after me because his speech was going to be so boring and no one would listen after my performance.  My point is not to toot my own horn, but to encourage you to always be yourself. I’m crazy and unpredictable. However, I am extremely professional and outspoken. People can take me or leave me that includes corporations. My teams have always delivered results as number one in the company and always got the largest bonuses and raises. You can be crazy, be yourself, and still be the professional you want to be. Don’t short change yourself ever.

I’ll tell you about my corporate Easter Egg hunt later!

Diva Rambling: Queen’s Irreverent Rules of Engagement…

Several years ago one of the students went to our kitchen and took a lunch item I had warming in the convection oven out and put a note that foil could not be used in this oven!!!!!! The person was 18 years old and did not know the difference between a convection oven and a microwave.  I had to laugh because it was on a metal rack and the oven had metal sides???  Since I didn’t get my lunch I was testy when the students got to my classroom and I went on a rant about being careful who you date.  Someone who didn’t know the difference between the two kitchen items was definitely a high maintenance person who would be trouble on a good day. As I ranted I told them they had forced me to write the “Queen’s Respectfully Irreverent Rules of Engagement.” I did that for both males and females.  Below is the result of my rant….Namaste The Queen Cronista.

Queens’s Respectfully Irreverent Rules of Engagement

Gentlemen do not marry or even date the following females:

  • Someone who does not know the difference between a microwave and a convection oven (Hint knows no science or basic home economics)

  • Someone who is clingy or high maintenance; Arm candy can be bad for your health

  • Never consider someone who just giggles and pushes food around on a plate

  • Attempts to make you choose a profession that suits them

  • Who won’t watch a comic hero or war movie with you

  • Talks more about fashion and hair than current events or life in general

  • Won’t let you have time with the boys

  • Hand them the remote. If all they tune into is the Romance Channel run like crazy

  • Is extremely jealous and insecure

  • Endlessly Engages in inane chatter

  • Doesn’t like dogs

Gentlemen do not get married until you are 30 years old. You may know what you want by then

If she participates in one or more of the above behaviors…”Off with their head”

However the following females can be given serious consideration as a future date or spouse if…..

  • They are spiritually grounded (Same Intrinsic Values as you)

  • Can do one of the following…hunt, fish, handle some weapon or clean game

  • Opposites attract (Pareto’s the 80/20 rule applies/ see attached); if 80% of your intrinsic values are the same you’ve found a good match. If you argue about intrinsic values even 20.5% it’s time to cut bait.

  • Will gladly make food and let you watch a game with friends, and even occasionally attend a sports event with you with no complaining

  • Can deck an intruder or hug a baby with equal proficiency

  • If she is willing to learn to change the oil in the car or mow the lawn so you can spend more time with her

  • Is she as adept in the upkeep of the property, as in the kitchen, and glad to assist with either?

  • Would rather spend time on a walk with, you or watching a movie with you than shopping

  • A “man’s woman” who thinks it’s OK to have time with the boys, play video games, or have needed downtime as long as you don’t take advantage

  • Loves a strong, honorable man just the way you are

  • Loves you the sun, moon and stars but loves God more

  • Happy wife; happy life

Queens’s Respectfully Irreverent Rules of Engagement Ladies

Ladies do not marry or even date the following men:

  • Someone who does not know the difference between a microwave and a convection oven (Hint he knows no science or basic home economics)

  • Someone who is high maintenance; whiners need not apply

  • Muscle Mass can be bad for your health. Only thinks of sports and their body

  • Never consider someone who only eats meat and expects you to cook it for them all the time

  • A man who does not attempt to make you choose a profession that suits them. If you choose stay at home mom you have a great profession.

  • Someone who won’t watch a chick flick with you occasionally

  • Spends more time looking in a mirror, than in intelligent conversations

  • Only engages in macho conversations and postures his testosterone constantly

  • Won’t let you have time with the girls or your own down time

  • Is extremely jealous and insecure

  • Won’t babysit children or consider changing a diaper

  • Believes all household chores and children are a woman’s job

  • Doesn’t like dogs

Ladies do not get married until you are 30 years old. You may know what you want by then.

If he participates in one or more of the above behaviors…”Off with their head”

However the following males can be given serious consideration as a future date or spouse if…..

  • They are spiritually grounded (Same Intrinsic Values as you)

  • Someone who can deck an intruder or hug a baby with equal proficiency

  • Is proficient with some weaponry

  • Can do the following…change oil in a car, use power tools and kitchen appliances competently and likes doing it all most of the time

  • Opposites attract (Pareto’s the 80/20 rule applies); if 80% of your intrinsic values are the same you’ve found a good match. If you argue about intrinsic values even 20.5% it’s time to cut bait.

  • Will ask you to occasionally attend a sports event with him if you choose

  • Is he as adept in the upkeep of the house, as in the kitchen, and glad to assist with either?

  • Hand them the Sunday paper if the first thing they grab is the sports page run like crazy

  • Would rather spend time on a walk with you or watching a movie with you than playing video games

  • Loves a strong, beautiful, Diva just the way you are

  • Knows that a happy wife means a happy life

  • Loves you the sun, moon and stars but loves God more

Diva Ranting: Quotes & Sarcasm…

 

I see all of these hilarious quotes on Pint-rest and FB and I always tend to let my family’s natural need for respectful sarcasm creep into the mix.  I have to put it in the words of the Queen of the Cosmos.  I’ll be dropping a few of these to purge my need to laugh and poke fun at the same time…..

“You need a little bit of insanity to make great things happen.” Henry Rollins

“You need a lot of insanity & good wine just to make it through the day! I have it in spades…what a great day!” Queen of the Cosmos

Diva Ranting: Please Stop….

Yesterday I was having coffee at one of the watering holes.  A man came in to get  a sandwich and he was wearing a short jacket and bright yellow leggings with nothing else on .  I mean really!!! I almost threw up in my mouth. PLEASE STOP ALREADY…

He was obviously a weight lifter.  Looked like a refugee from an old Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie.  I wanted to say ….” When I want to see your battery pack I’ll ask ….”  Seriously?  Then, as to be expected, he went and got into one of my two top picks of a Penis Mobile…(a car a man buys to make up for his obvious inadequacies in all areas!).  That would be a Corvette or a Porsche (Black), usually.  He was a Vet man.  Third on the list is the jacked up pick up truck with a killer bar on the front and doolie bed. Usually these guys are so short they need a step stool to get up on the runners.  I’m old I’ve observed these behaviors over time and space.  Trust me. 

Warning from the Cronista..Divas, stay as far away from one of these as possible.  I may have to hunt you down and waterboard you for stupidity if you latch onto one of these. Don’t date them, don’t talk to them, don’t be an enabler to their megalomaniac, narcissistic tendencies.  Find a nice guy who just works out and loves to look at you, not himself all day.  END OF RANT.

Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting: Women of the World…

Woman of the World…

We are women of worth. Do not think of us as an object. We are not to be run through the filters of patriarchal ad campaigns. We are extraordinary women who make the world a better place.

We fight silent battles every day that would bring many a warrior to their knees. We are more courageous than frail. We are more capable of rising above the fray than most humans.

We wear an invisible crown of glory as we do not need to flaunt our gifts. Our hearts are boundless and we keep the collective conscious vibrating on keel with our energies. We are women who know the value of loyalty, love, honesty, and above all trust

We do not need a man to complete us, but we know, and care for, a good man when we find one. We are as fierce as mother tigers defending our young and our family. We multitask better than humanly possible and we nurture better than Mother Nature herself. And we do these things, not because we have to, but because we want to.

The best thing for you to remember when dealing with us is the old saying….”That which does not kill us had better start running”!!!!!!!!!!

Namaste, The Queen Cronista