Diva Ranting: Manners…

I will be on this kick a lot lately.  I see more and more good people; ladies and gentlemen getting shot down for being courteous and the liberals screaming all humankind but them are dicks.  Hello!!!!!
Manners
Today I was having my breakfast smoothie at the local watering hole. A woman came in and ordered 12 dozen donuts. First of all what moron doesn’t know to do that the day before. 1 it keeps others and yourself from standing in line eternally, and they can have them prepared without loosing half the daily inventory?
Secondly 2 gentlemen asked to assist her to carrying these armloads of boxes to her vehicle. She refused almost belligerently. These were older men and obviously raised as gentlemen. Their mothers did good. She on the other hand was a belligerent human being. Granted I did not know what might be going on in the heifers life today, but needless to say that kind of kindness by others should not be ignored in this chaotic day and age.
Gentleman, I give you props for remaining true to your Southern upbringing. Old heifer, you must be a Yankee, I do not salute your indifference and bad manners and you certainly are NOT a Southern Belle or a Lady.
Namaste, The Queen Cronista
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Diva Rambling: How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People…

I’ve been dealing a lot lately with this issue by people I’m surrounded by.  I wanted to do some research on it and bitch slap myself for any of it I’m employing myself.  I thought this first bit of information might be of use to some of you.  Namaste, The Queen Cronista
Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group. The root causes are complex and deep-seated. Whatever the reasons that may drive an individual to be passive-aggressive, it’s not easy to be on the receiving end of such veiled hostilities. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are 8 keys to handling passive-aggressive people, with references to my book  How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People”.
Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest:
1. Don’t Overreact. Reduce Personalization and Misunderstanding.
When you experience possible passive-aggressive behavior from someone for the first time, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion. Instead, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think my colleague didn’t return my email because she’s ignoring my suggestion, or I can consider the possibility that she’s taking some time to decide. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.  
On the other hand, if the individual has clearly shown a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, employ any combination of the following action steps as appropriate:
2. Keep Your Distance Whenever Possible.
In some ways, passive-aggressive people are more difficult to deal with than those who are openly hostile. An openly aggressive person is direct in words and action, which makes him or her more predictable. A passive-aggressive, on the other hand, hides a knife behind a smile. He or she operates on a hidden script, and you never know when you might be disenfranchised by his or her covert machinations. When confronted, the passive-aggressive will almost always deny responsibility. For these reasons, when you need to deal with someone who’s chronically passive-aggressive, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article as you see fit. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.
3. Don’t Try to Change Them.
Some people try to change chronically passive-aggressive individuals through time-consuming dialogue about their behavior. Such efforts are admirable, but often end in frustration and disappointment. As mentioned earlier, reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. A passive-aggressive person changes only when he or she matures and becomes more self-aware. It’s not your job to change the person. The best way to deal with passive-aggressives is to focus not on changing their attitude and behavior, but rather solidly taking charge of your own.
4. Don’t Get Sucked In. Avoid Tit for Tat.
It’s understandable to be upset when you’re on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. There may be an urge to “strike back” overtly by arguing and using pointed language, or worse yet, by becoming passive-aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the passive-aggressive will likely respond to your overt accusations with denial and claims of victimhood, and to any passive-aggressiveness on your part with even more covert hostility.  All the while, you’re suffering because you have allowed this instigator to take away your equanimity. Don’t give someone the power to turn you into the type of person you don’t like to be.
For more in-depth information on reducing or eliminating over fifteen types of negative attitudes and feelings, see my book “How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions.”
5. In Relatively Mild Situations, Display Superior Composure Through Appropriate Humor.
Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck-up. One day a colleague of mine said, “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped, “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.
When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.
6. In Serious Situations, Proactively Deal with the Problem Early On and Formalize Your Communication.
With passive-aggressives with whom you need to interact on a regular basis, it’s important to put a stop to any serious, potentially damaging patterns early on. Tolerating passive aggression will only encourage the negative behavior to continue and intensify.
Let yourself, not the passive-aggressive, be the one who sets the tone of the relationship. Whenever possible, formalize your daily communication with the passive-aggressive by either putting things in writing, or having a third party present as witness. Keep a paper trail of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines, and deadlines.
When a passive-aggressive incident occurs, whether it’s unfulfilled responsibility or inappropriate joking, have one or more witnesses present when you bring up the issue. At work, a witness can be someone who’s physically present, or an appropriate individual(s) to whom you’re copying your written correspondence. Ask the passive-aggressive person probing or clarifying questions to gather information and fact-check. Review previous communications and documentation to substantiate your position. Avoid making accusations and statements that begin with you, which are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with I, it, we, let’s, and this, followed by facts. For example:
  • Ineffective communication: “You didn’t meet the deadline.”
  • Effective communication: “I noticed that the deadline wasn’t met.”
  • Ineffective communication: “Your joking is really offensive.”
  • Effective communication: “I don’t feel comfortable with your joking. It’s offensive to me.”
Again, document everything; fact-check; and establish your credibility with your command of evidence regarding the issue.
7. Give the Passive-Aggressive a Chance to Help Solve the Problem, If Appropriate.
Many passive-aggressive individuals behave as they do because they don’t believe they have a voice, or think that they’re not being listened to. When appropriate, include the person in discussions on challenges and solutions. Solicit their input. Ask, for example, “Given the desired outcome, how would you handle this issue?” See if they come up with any constructive solutions. On the other hand, if what you hear are mostly complaints and criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Simply say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, and get on with what you need to get done.
8. Set Consequences to Lower Resistance and Compel Cooperation.
Since passive-aggressive individuals operate covertly, they will almost always put up resistance when confronted on their behavior. Denial, excuse making, and finger pointing are just a few of the likely retorts. Regardless of what they say, declare what you’re willing to do going forward. Importantly, offer one or more strong consequences to compel the passive-aggressive to reconsider his or her behavior.
The ability to identify and assert consequence is one of the most powerful skills we can use to “stand down” a passive-aggressive person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the difficult individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. In my book  “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.
Although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are many effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their damage and gain their cooperation, while increasing your own confidence, composure, and problem-solving prowess. It’s one important aspect of leadership success. 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201401/how-spot-and-deal-passive-aggressive-people © 2014 by Preston C. Ni. All rights reserved worldwide. Copyright violation may subject the violator to legal prosecution.

Diva Ranting: Slaying the Giants….

Slaying the Giants.

I recently wrote about slaying the giants/demons in our lives. You’ll know them, they may pose to others as angelic good citizens/religionists. However, they will constantly have a herd of people who appear different to their sanctimonious, holier than thou diatribe; who they they throw slings and arrows at. They then apologize and blame it on you. You know them because we’ve posted so many articles on narcissists and bullies.

I realize that my whole life I’ve let them in trying to be a good Diva, and repeatedly I get zinged. I allow them to steal from my energy bank account again and again. Getting out and peopling with people who need support and caring in their live means so much more and is more rewarding to the spirit than letting these tosh-pots in your daily life.

My point is…lets start choosing more wisely let the good in and put up a force-field of protection against the giants/demons. Love the tribe who appreciates… you and care for them. You deserve the best when you people from a place of love. Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting:Pondering….

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” Lao Tzu 

The Queen has been pondering kindness more and more lately. I can vaguely remember my child self wanting to be kind to everyone and everything. I cried at observing what I considered unkindness to others or even nature. Somewhere along the way I began to set boundaries to protect that childlike kindness from hurt. I worked for fortune 500 companies for 42 years and that toughened her so much that everything began to become matter of fact and clinical to me.

Now I am reclaiming that still small child within to remind me to be kinder and gentler. I think sometimes most of us need that check in with our souls. We know when our vibration has sunk into a lower dimension and we know we need to do something about it. Knowing and doing are two different things.

That’s not to say the sassy mountain woman is totally in check…and she never will be! I wanted to pull out my glock and shoot the tires out of at least three of the idiots driving with a 2 mile an hour brain, at 10 mph with their car… and unable to decide if they should ever go at a 4 way stop. I know you know the feeling! No amount of screaming “Zen Queen, Zen! Helped in any way.

So I struggle as do some of you with the self that is a Warrior vs. The Zen Master. I’ve miles to go before I sleep. I hope you are not in the same boat. Love and Light, The Queen Cronista

Diva Musing: Current Mood…

IMG_3157
Just for Shits and Giggles
OK, so I’m on a salty diva rampage today.  Some moron parked so close to my vehicle I couldn’t get in.  I waited awhile and got all schpilkes, so I had to crawl from the back of my SUV to the drives seat.  Then I had to decide weather I should wait and attack the manner-less troll or leave and key the car before I drove off.  Since I didn’t have bail money I went on.
Ever have one of those days where you wake up all cheery and swear to the Universe you will be a better version of yourself today and boom, something like this happens right out of the shoot? I hate when that happens.  I was once told to cancel my evil thoughts by saying cancel or escape and then think of a positive thought.  Who the hell came up with that one?  I need to vent a little to get rid of my disdain for “stupid people”!  Only then can I resolve within myself by meditating and breathing.  
I always encourage the peaceful way through most things.  However, since…”you can’t fix stupid with duct tape” (don’t know who said it; but I love them) sometime you just have to pitch a hissy fit.  Do you find these days it’s happening more and more or is it just me? 
Anyway, I feel an occasional venting, for a legitimate reason,…”stupidity” is good for the soul. Have your hissy fit, my darlings, and move on.  Don’t guilt yourself …it was someone else’s stupidity, after all that triggered it all.  Go have a quiet moment or even better a hot fudge sundae and bask in the glory of setting a  boundary and the treat you most certainly earned.  Namaste, The Queen Cronista

 

Diva Ranting: Intolerant Behavior is NOT OK…

I spent many years in workforce’s where harassing behaviors were laughed at and encouraged.  Physical abuse and verbal were the norm of the day; mostly by men.  I myself was lucky, everyone knew I was the witch from hell, and not to mess with me.  But some of my colleagues were not so lucky, nor did they possess the assertiveness to stand up for themselves.  I found myself mouthing off to idiots more than I should.  I didn’t care what it did to my career.  Fortunately the big bosses did not find it a problem.  It was the little men with…shall we say little egos that were usually at fault.  And, sadly, women who wanted the show the men they had balls bigger than church bells, were a nemesis to everyone as well. You have the right to be treated as a human in all environments (unless you act like a wild beast; a topic for another blog). Here are a few coping mechanisms I think you’ll like.  Love yourself enough to use these or other you have.  Please share if you have a good one.  It will help a lot of people.  Love and Light, Namaste, The Queen Cronista…
Intolerant Behavior is NOT OK; Anywhere or at Any Time…
I’m OK, you’re OK!, Change your thoughts, change your life. You become what you think. These are all forms popular quotes from all the motivational speakers ever. For the most part I think that most all cognitive behavioral therapy throws the burden of abnormal behavior on us. If you change how you feel you will change your world! You will no longer feel as depressed or anxious. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that there are certain responsibilities for the souls who are needing to just get over it. When the problems are under your personal control then often discipline, commitment and dedication to a thing is all that is required.
However, when the problems originate outside of your control, then changing your thinking can be like stepping into a horrid terror film where you start having to attempt persuade yourself things are OK when your spirit tells you they are not. How does this improve anyone’s mental well being? It doesn’t! So, when things are out of your personal wheelhouse, and you are sinking into the bog of eternal anxiety and depression, what might you do? I am not seeking to be the guru of all things wonderful. I merely wish to suggest some things to place in your psyche’s toolbox that may help you individually.
1) If the threat is real see what help you can get. It could be that the police, medical assistance, 911, etc. There may be support groups, hotlines, or shelters out there to lend support. If one is dealing with a significant threat, it is not nonsense to feel anxious, fearful, or depressed. Be clear that your feelings are totally appropriate in the moment. Find an approach were you can see them and where you can to try and avoid being overwhelmed by them. Work escape from it – you won’t be able to think clearly until the problem is dealt with.
2) Now risk asses what’s going on. If the source is primarily functioning as a trigger mechanism and isn’t a threat in its own, then go for meditation. See if you can summon the courage to look at the mechanics ; can you change anything? If the threat is in the past and not in the current moment…that can help. See if you can gain a new outlook on it; talk to someone if necessary. The choices are yours at this point; see if you can choose wisely now.
3) Define the specific problem. Tie down exactly what is making you feel uneasy. If that’s triggering you into other problematic things, acknowledge it, but do not focus on it. This can trigger more than it can help. Take yourself and the situation seriously.
4) An ongoing threat, it is going to take a toll no matter what. Examples such as domestic abuse, workplace bullying, or any other tortuous act created by society and political structures. Sometimes there is no ‘away’ to escape. As the person suffering it should not be your responsibility to fix intolerant behaviors. Inability to cope is not a sign of weakness or illness. It is a natural, response to something inhuman. There are agencies to report it to. You need to take steps to remove the threat or yourself or it may impact your health long-term.
5) If you can get away from this intolerant behavior, do so, Get whatever safe space you can and you will eventually calm down and be able to breathe again.
6 Should your risk analysis determine that the problem is happening right now, then how you respond will depend a lot on the problem itself. Usually you must deal with a threat or remove yourself immediately. If you feel the threat is a little one, then meditating on how it makes you feel, or securing help to deal with it may suffice.
Just know that if something panics you and you seem to loose your sense of reason, then try and find someone trustworthy and knowledgeable on how to work it through with you.
There are many who live with panic and fear. There is almost always someone or some institution nearby to lend a helping hand. Learn to use your resources and get the help you need to move on. Bullying and harassing workplaces are NOT OK. Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting: Southern Cuss Phrases…

You may not know how it is with many Southerners. We can get just as incensed as anyone else, but we try to stay polite about it. That’s why our Southern grannies taught us “cuss words” to use, like “I Swan!” and “Land sakes alive!”

Here are a few things you might hear Southerners yell in anger, frustration or in  traffic.  Did I forget any? 

There’s a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ!

Blow your nose you’ll get more out of it! Meaning: I hear you but I don’t really care.

You’re dumb as a box of rocks! Meaning the other driver is really dump.

Welll, don’t rush on my account! Meaning: You are driving too slow.

Sure looks like somebody opened the floodgates. Meaning: Traffic is really heavy.

Son of a biscuit eater! Meaning: Exclamation/Negative name calling.

If leather were brains, you wouldn’t have enough to saddle a Junebug! Meaning: you are really Stupid!

Son of a Motherless Goat! Meaning: Negative slur/insult

What in tarnation? Meaning: What the Heck

What the Sam Hill? Meaning: What the heck are you doing?

You don’t have the sense God gave a goose. Meaning: The other person is stupid.

Move over Papaw! Meaning: You are as slow as grandfather.

Grandma was slow but she was old! Meaning: You are as slow as Grandma.

Land Sakes alive! Meaning: negative exclamation for stupidity.

You don’t know a widget from a hole in the ground. Meaning: Stupid

You are as slow as the seven year itch! Meaning: Annoyingly Slow

Holy Mother of Pearl! Meaning: Negative Exclamation.

Dagnabbit! Meaning: Substitute Cuss Word

You can’t walk and chew chewing gum at the same time. Meaning: other person is uncoordinated.

Dagnabbit if I sent you to lunch I’d have to completely retrain you. Meaning: You’re hopelessly useless.