Painfully Absent Diva….

I have been a painfully absent Diva of late. I’m begging your forgiveness.  I miss you far more than you miss me when I don’t get to do this.  

We just opened a new coffee shop and I”m all aflutter with setting up systems and dealing with communication companies whose customer service is NIL !!! So I’ve been spending more time on hold and hang up than any human should ever have to.  If you’ve ever experienced an internet or phone problem you know what I mean. The Lavender Crone had a flood at her house and had to move…soooooooooo, long story short we didn’t mean to ignore our wonderful friends near and far.  Do Forgive Us. 

I’m back trying to be on form.  The good side is I came up with some delightful new recipes and all are a hit.  Here is a look see at our coffee shop.  Well some of the food anyway.  We are the serving from scratch, freshest around recipes.  Best homemade soups and cornbread ever!!! It’s wonderful to see the response of patrons.  You can find us on instagram and the internet. More to follow. 

                                                         THE TABLE COFFEE HOUSE

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Diva Ranting: I had to laugh….

I had to laugh…
Recently I was told a story about one of my former clients. He was young just out of secondary school and trying his first part time job while going to college. He came from a interesting background without much training in social niceties. While mowing a large grave yard an angry woman came up and told him to fill her mothers grave at once.
He kindly replied…”That is not my job I just mow”. However, I will advise someone at once of your concern.” The woman still on the attack said …”Get your A@$$ over there and do it now.”
Again he repeated…”I am only mowing. I will be sure and tell someone for you”. She wasn’t hearing it. In true bully form she once again demanded…Get your lazy a%$$ over there and fill that grave.  This went on for sometime and she wouldn’t stop.  As most people might do when saturated in a no win situation the teen replied…”F{(# you, and your dead mother too. “
He got fired, of course, but I have to give him props for not backing down to a bully. Now we just have to teach him about win, win, negotiations. LOL!!
Don’t sit there feigning indignation. You know you loved it too. We all need to learn to control our rage. However, I usually accept a little more when standing up to a bully. Even in grief we don’t have the right to bully the innocent. The Diva has spoken.
Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting:Take a Stand…

Take a Stand
All bullies are cowards. They pick on the week and innocent both verbally and physically. They have no tolerance for those with moral character and backbone who will stand up against them. So they stomp their feet and say we ‘II show you. And that’s what they just did. We’ll show you. We will murder a bunch of babies by making it legal to do it. So there. Hopefully history will record this as it is.…the infant holocaust that brought shame to our nation. No matter what race, color or creed, a bully is a bully and there is no bigotry involved.
I have been standing against bullies since I was a teen in the 60’s. I can bully back better than most. I find if you are brave and courageous to stand up to them they’ll almost always back down. We must stand for those who are innocent or not brave enough. It’s hard sometimes when we are trying hard not to be “judgey smurfs”. One can be and advocate without becoming militant. I still trust that still small voice inside to advise me when to fish or stomp bait!
Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting: Manners…

I will be on this kick a lot lately.  I see more and more good people; ladies and gentlemen getting shot down for being courteous and the liberals screaming all humankind but them are dicks.  Hello!!!!!
Manners
Today I was having my breakfast smoothie at the local watering hole. A woman came in and ordered 12 dozen donuts. First of all what moron doesn’t know to do that the day before. 1 it keeps others and yourself from standing in line eternally, and they can have them prepared without loosing half the daily inventory?
Secondly 2 gentlemen asked to assist her to carrying these armloads of boxes to her vehicle. She refused almost belligerently. These were older men and obviously raised as gentlemen. Their mothers did good. She on the other hand was a belligerent human being. Granted I did not know what might be going on in the heifers life today, but needless to say that kind of kindness by others should not be ignored in this chaotic day and age.
Gentleman, I give you props for remaining true to your Southern upbringing. Old heifer, you must be a Yankee, I do not salute your indifference and bad manners and you certainly are NOT a Southern Belle or a Lady.
Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Rambling: How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People…

I’ve been dealing a lot lately with this issue by people I’m surrounded by.  I wanted to do some research on it and bitch slap myself for any of it I’m employing myself.  I thought this first bit of information might be of use to some of you.  Namaste, The Queen Cronista
Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group. The root causes are complex and deep-seated. Whatever the reasons that may drive an individual to be passive-aggressive, it’s not easy to be on the receiving end of such veiled hostilities. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are 8 keys to handling passive-aggressive people, with references to my book  How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People”.
Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest:
1. Don’t Overreact. Reduce Personalization and Misunderstanding.
When you experience possible passive-aggressive behavior from someone for the first time, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion. Instead, come up with multiple ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think my colleague didn’t return my email because she’s ignoring my suggestion, or I can consider the possibility that she’s taking some time to decide. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.  
On the other hand, if the individual has clearly shown a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, employ any combination of the following action steps as appropriate:
2. Keep Your Distance Whenever Possible.
In some ways, passive-aggressive people are more difficult to deal with than those who are openly hostile. An openly aggressive person is direct in words and action, which makes him or her more predictable. A passive-aggressive, on the other hand, hides a knife behind a smile. He or she operates on a hidden script, and you never know when you might be disenfranchised by his or her covert machinations. When confronted, the passive-aggressive will almost always deny responsibility. For these reasons, when you need to deal with someone who’s chronically passive-aggressive, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this article as you see fit. The rest of the time, keep a healthy distance.
3. Don’t Try to Change Them.
Some people try to change chronically passive-aggressive individuals through time-consuming dialogue about their behavior. Such efforts are admirable, but often end in frustration and disappointment. As mentioned earlier, reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. A passive-aggressive person changes only when he or she matures and becomes more self-aware. It’s not your job to change the person. The best way to deal with passive-aggressives is to focus not on changing their attitude and behavior, but rather solidly taking charge of your own.
4. Don’t Get Sucked In. Avoid Tit for Tat.
It’s understandable to be upset when you’re on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. There may be an urge to “strike back” overtly by arguing and using pointed language, or worse yet, by becoming passive-aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the passive-aggressive will likely respond to your overt accusations with denial and claims of victimhood, and to any passive-aggressiveness on your part with even more covert hostility.  All the while, you’re suffering because you have allowed this instigator to take away your equanimity. Don’t give someone the power to turn you into the type of person you don’t like to be.
For more in-depth information on reducing or eliminating over fifteen types of negative attitudes and feelings, see my book “How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions.”
5. In Relatively Mild Situations, Display Superior Composure Through Appropriate Humor.
Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite stuck-up. One day a colleague of mine said, “Hello, how are you?” to him. When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didn’t feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped, “That good, huh?” This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.
When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” I explain the psychology of humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce or eliminate difficult behavior.
6. In Serious Situations, Proactively Deal with the Problem Early On and Formalize Your Communication.
With passive-aggressives with whom you need to interact on a regular basis, it’s important to put a stop to any serious, potentially damaging patterns early on. Tolerating passive aggression will only encourage the negative behavior to continue and intensify.
Let yourself, not the passive-aggressive, be the one who sets the tone of the relationship. Whenever possible, formalize your daily communication with the passive-aggressive by either putting things in writing, or having a third party present as witness. Keep a paper trail of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines, and deadlines.
When a passive-aggressive incident occurs, whether it’s unfulfilled responsibility or inappropriate joking, have one or more witnesses present when you bring up the issue. At work, a witness can be someone who’s physically present, or an appropriate individual(s) to whom you’re copying your written correspondence. Ask the passive-aggressive person probing or clarifying questions to gather information and fact-check. Review previous communications and documentation to substantiate your position. Avoid making accusations and statements that begin with you, which are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with I, it, we, let’s, and this, followed by facts. For example:
  • Ineffective communication: “You didn’t meet the deadline.”
  • Effective communication: “I noticed that the deadline wasn’t met.”
  • Ineffective communication: “Your joking is really offensive.”
  • Effective communication: “I don’t feel comfortable with your joking. It’s offensive to me.”
Again, document everything; fact-check; and establish your credibility with your command of evidence regarding the issue.
7. Give the Passive-Aggressive a Chance to Help Solve the Problem, If Appropriate.
Many passive-aggressive individuals behave as they do because they don’t believe they have a voice, or think that they’re not being listened to. When appropriate, include the person in discussions on challenges and solutions. Solicit their input. Ask, for example, “Given the desired outcome, how would you handle this issue?” See if they come up with any constructive solutions. On the other hand, if what you hear are mostly complaints and criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Simply say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, and get on with what you need to get done.
8. Set Consequences to Lower Resistance and Compel Cooperation.
Since passive-aggressive individuals operate covertly, they will almost always put up resistance when confronted on their behavior. Denial, excuse making, and finger pointing are just a few of the likely retorts. Regardless of what they say, declare what you’re willing to do going forward. Importantly, offer one or more strong consequences to compel the passive-aggressive to reconsider his or her behavior.
The ability to identify and assert consequence is one of the most powerful skills we can use to “stand down” a passive-aggressive person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the difficult individual, and compels her or him to shift from obstruction to cooperation. In my book  “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.
Although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are many effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their damage and gain their cooperation, while increasing your own confidence, composure, and problem-solving prowess. It’s one important aspect of leadership success. 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201401/how-spot-and-deal-passive-aggressive-people © 2014 by Preston C. Ni. All rights reserved worldwide. Copyright violation may subject the violator to legal prosecution.

Diva Ranting: Slaying the Giants….

Slaying the Giants.

I recently wrote about slaying the giants/demons in our lives. You’ll know them, they may pose to others as angelic good citizens/religionists. However, they will constantly have a herd of people who appear different to their sanctimonious, holier than thou diatribe; who they they throw slings and arrows at. They then apologize and blame it on you. You know them because we’ve posted so many articles on narcissists and bullies.

I realize that my whole life I’ve let them in trying to be a good Diva, and repeatedly I get zinged. I allow them to steal from my energy bank account again and again. Getting out and peopling with people who need support and caring in their live means so much more and is more rewarding to the spirit than letting these tosh-pots in your daily life.

My point is…lets start choosing more wisely let the good in and put up a force-field of protection against the giants/demons. Love the tribe who appreciates… you and care for them. You deserve the best when you people from a place of love. Namaste, The Queen Cronista

Diva Ranting:Pondering….

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” Lao Tzu 

The Queen has been pondering kindness more and more lately. I can vaguely remember my child self wanting to be kind to everyone and everything. I cried at observing what I considered unkindness to others or even nature. Somewhere along the way I began to set boundaries to protect that childlike kindness from hurt. I worked for fortune 500 companies for 42 years and that toughened her so much that everything began to become matter of fact and clinical to me.

Now I am reclaiming that still small child within to remind me to be kinder and gentler. I think sometimes most of us need that check in with our souls. We know when our vibration has sunk into a lower dimension and we know we need to do something about it. Knowing and doing are two different things.

That’s not to say the sassy mountain woman is totally in check…and she never will be! I wanted to pull out my glock and shoot the tires out of at least three of the idiots driving with a 2 mile an hour brain, at 10 mph with their car… and unable to decide if they should ever go at a 4 way stop. I know you know the feeling! No amount of screaming “Zen Queen, Zen! Helped in any way.

So I struggle as do some of you with the self that is a Warrior vs. The Zen Master. I’ve miles to go before I sleep. I hope you are not in the same boat. Love and Light, The Queen Cronista